Note: Our first son, Oliver, is due July 20, 2012, but my wife and I would like him to be get here sooner rather than later, as we really want to meet him. (Also, the 100-degree heat-indices have been no fun for her at all.) We’ve attempted to communicate this to him in many ways (speaking, light signals, semaphore) but we’ve received no response. To that end, we have decided to serve him with somewhat fanciful eviction papers.
NOTICE OF EVICTION (for a fetus), with amendments/explanations
LANDLORD(S): Kayli Schaaf, Mother and Brett Ortler, Father
Address: Your mother’s womb
City State Zip: Wherever your mother is; usually somewhere in east-central Minnesota
Phone: Your mother’s womb has no phone, but it does have an umbilical cord that could theoretically function as one. Anyway, given that fetuses can be startled by loud noises, we know you can hear our repeated attempts to encourage you to enter the world.
Name: Oliver William Ortler
Address/City State Zip/Phone: We have already discussed this, see above.
District Court Summary Ejectment Case Number: 00000001. (Also, ejectment is an awful, awful word.)
The sheriff (your father wearing a sheriff’s hat) is scheduled to evict you on July 20,
2010 2012, your due date.
The eviction will take place on the date named above unless you either:
1. Move out of the property and return control of the property (your mother’s uterus region, in addition to secondary aspects of the property: her hormones, her bladder, her personality, etc.) to the landlord;
2. Pay and Stay. The tenant has the right to pay the amount ordered by the Court (your mother) in the warrant of restitution to the landlord to stop the eviction. However, the Court would really like to go through with the eviction, so to dissuade you from paying this amount, the Court hereby demands 100 trillion American dollars, 65 rubies, an 8” x 5” platinum dinosaur and 120 boxes of Little Debbie Snacks. Your father demands an aircraft carrier full of wooly mammoths. The Court also demands as much ice cream as you can possibly purchase with your remaining funds. The tenant has the right to pay the redemption amount to the landlord (your mother) or landlord’s agent (your father) in cash, certified check, money order, or Skittles-brand candy at any time before actual execution of the eviction order. (Note: Placentas, umbilical cords and/or amniotic fluid will NOT be accepted in lieu of payment because that would be very gross.)
Addendum: As an additional incentive for you to leave the premises, we will actually pay you to come into the world. We have already prepared (1) a place for you to stay, your accommodations have (2) many toys, (3) many adorable outfits, (4) two pet dogs and two pet cats, (so you don’t even have to beg us to get you one) and we have also notified our friends and family about your imminent arrival, so you already have your own entourage. Addendum to the Addendum: Once you make your grand appearance in the world, your schedule will likely be booked up for some time; your grandparents are already reserving weekend babysitting time slots months in advance. Once you are born, we recommend you immediately hire an executive assistant.
On the day of eviction, the payment shall be made to the landlord or landlord’s agent in the presence of the Sheriff to stop the eviction.
Once the sheriff begins the eviction, any personal property that you leave in the leased premises is considered abandoned. The tenant does not have any right to re-enter the property or re-claim any property after the eviction begins.
Addendum: Please pay special attention to that last part. You may not, however much you liked the womb, attempt to re-enter the “property.” That would undoubtedly scar the entire family for life.
Any abandoned property may be disposed of by the landlord at any time after the eviction begins. The landlord is strictly prohibited from putting the abandoned property in the street, the sidewalk, alleys, or any public property.
Addendum: We will most certainly dispose of any abandoned property, because anyone who wants to keep a placenta hanging around (literally) is more than a bit off. We certainly promise not to deposit it in the street, where people would probably mistake it for some sort of deceased jellyfish.
This is the final notice of the date of the eviction that you will receive, even if the eviction date is postponed by the sheriff or the court or due to medical necessity.
AFFIDAVIT OF POSTING: I hereby certify that I posted a completed copy of the above notice on the premises (Kayli’s stomach) described above on 7/12/2012.
Printed Name: __________________ Signature: ___________________ Date: ___________